Back To You
by basementlover
Summary: Short, one-shot POV from a depressed and angry Jackie. These are her feelings after Sam has come into the picture.


Note: This is something that has been on my computer for a while. It's a short, one-shot from Jackie's POV, almost journal-like. It's very depressing and maybe a little unlike Jackie, but I wrote it one day when I tried to get into Jackie's head. And I really do think she probably went through a phase like this after Sam comes into the picture. It's a little ambiguous but just think of Jackie spilling her guts on paper (I added headings to make it a little more clear).

I don't own these characters.

You

Why did you let this happen? I sit here every day on the couch that holds so many secrets and I can taste the air, thick with unsung hurt. You could have made a move to end it all, you could have made a move to begin it all. But we're stuck in this restless state and I feel his arm rested on my shoulders, the weight of it like nothing I've ever known. The rose-colored tint that shields you keeps you from my stolen glances, but you could be looking my way. I imagine your jaw tightening and your knuckles flexing when he leans in to kiss me and so I lean even further into Him. My justification is that you can obviously handle it because you stay in the same room; I couldn't. I fled every time she slid into your lap, every time you let her caress your face. If we bother you in the least, it's your punishment; and if we don't, it's my self induced torture.

Is life so cruel or is it just you? The good times slowly slip away with the dawning of age but for everyone else the happiness is still there. He came back for her and now she is happy. He went to her and now she and their baby are happy. He got me and now he is happy. They have been married for years and are happy. You sit there and say you are happy. What happens to me? I go through the motions.

The tears stopped after a few weeks, now there is just the hollow essence in my eyes and my presence. I don't know how he doesn't pick up on it; I know I have to break his heart soon, and I think he knows it too.

I talked to God for the first time in a long time. I promised myself a couple of years ago that I wouldn't bother Him with relationship problems. People are people, they let you down. So when I talked to Him the other day, I talked about the other things. I told Him everything he already knew, about how everything in my life seemed so pointless, about how I felt so useless, and about how I was so lost. I thought that in the middle of my monologue I would start crying about you but I guess spilling your heart out makes you realize head on what's bothering you other than the obvious. I kept gasping their names, the names of my pretty-much mother and my sister/best friend. They qualify as relationships and they had let me down so why was I bothering God with this? But who else did I have to talk to? The ones that are usually there for me are just simply not there for me anymore. I wish I could change that so that there would be at least some sort of normalcy in my life because when I think of He and I together, when I see our reflections together in mirrors and window panes, I feel so unlike myself, so different, so defeated, so tired. I look around our apartment and I feel the same way. How did I come to be here when what seems like just yesterday all I had ever know was my own house, and those two houses, side by side, that were so full of love.

Kelso

I wish he was here but I know he has a life of his own now. He is a father and will soon be married to the mother of his child. But I still wish for him because no matter how many times we hurt each other we will always still be friends and that's all I really need right now, a friend. He was my first everything which makes us even closer in a way and no matter what he does or says I always feel comfortable around him. If he was here maybe I would be able to find myself again. He makes me laugh and it's genuine because he and I both know that there could never be an "us" ever again. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt, oh wait yes I do… it was with you.

Eric

He came back from a far away land to be with her and at first I thought it was romantic and I guess I still do think it is but I hate him for leaving in the first place. He was the glue and I think he knew it. Without him, everything fell apart. He would've made sure that everyone did the right thing instead of all the wrongs we all did while he was away. Now he's back and I thought that meant some things would change but he's not even trying! Some of that idiotic goofiness was left behind and in its place is some of that seriousness that she always wanted from him. Good for her and bad for the rest of us. What will we do now that the boy who was supposed to save us can't? Who do we turn to? I know that he sees that something is wrong. Once or twice I've caught him looking at me with a peculiar look on his face like he's trying to figure something out, but his heart's not in it. His heart is now entirely reserved for the ginger-headed girl that he loves and who loves him back.

Donna

When her mom left, I tried to help her out, I thought she would need a woman in her life and I tried to do that for her. When he broke up with her, I was there for her I even tried to set her up with someone else so that she could try to be happy again, I didn't want to see her sad anymore. When something that meant so much to her was in danger of being taken away, I paid the bill so that she could still enjoy it and wear it proudly. Yes, I insulted her all the time but I thought she knew that when I said those shallow things that I was trying my hardest to give her a compliment and that sometimes those remarks were more a shield than anything else. I thought she knew how appreciative I was of her and I thought she was watching as I changed and became a better person. I thought we were best friends… sisters. But maybe time was the real factor in all of it. She knew you longer so she took your side and she became friends with your wife. She knew me a shorter time than you so she didn't comfort me or ask me if I was ok but instead she asked me to get along with your wife and talked about me as if I was a kid who didn't get what I wanted.

I wouldn't have done that to her.

Red & Kitty

I didn't expect much from her husband because he had not given me much before anyways. Of course there were some moments throughout the time I had known him but he is someone that I know will never change and for that I am thankful. I know that I will still have my moments with him in the future because whether he likes it or not, he understands. She on the other hand, has completely broken my heart, or what was left of it after you did your job. I know I could've never taken the place of her daughter but in my heart she was taking the place of my mother. I thought she understood that. You were a son in her eyes, why was I not good enough to be part of the family? Everyone knew that my parents were not around but did they have to completely run out on me so that I could be like you and only then be granted a place in her family? Did she have to be so cold in the way that she completely turned her back on me and welcomed your new wife? It hurt more than when my real mother left the last time. I know that she is a naturally accepting and welcoming person but couldn't she see the pain in my eyes? Aren't mothers supposed to pick up on those kinds of things? Did my feelings mean so little to her that it caused the arms that should've hugged me to instead envelope your wife in welcome?

The two females that meant the most in my life couldn't even be bothered to ask me if I was ok. It's not as if I wanted them to ask me if I was ok because I wanted attention or was being overdramatic. I wanted them to ask me if I was ok because I was in real emotional pain, I was overwhelmed and if they had talked to me I would've known that they cared.

Fez

He was so sweet to me. After a couple of weeks of ogling your wife he actually realized that I wasn't coming by the basement much anymore. He actually asked me what was wrong and I was so shocked, first because I couldn't believe he didn't know what was wrong and then because he was the first one to ask me something along the lines of was I ok. And by that time I had constructed an airtight seal and I wasn't letting anyone in and so I told him I was fine. We started to hang out a little bit more mostly because no one else was around. It got to a point where we both were really drunk one night and I thought hey, I've known him for ever and he's always worshipped me, why not make it three for three? So I kissed him and even then my alcohol addled brain knew that it was all just an attempt to forget about you. He and I have been together since then but I know that he is not stupid. He knows that I'm still not over you. It's in the little moments that he catches me staring in the mirror, not really looking at myself but just lost in the wonders of a reflection. Or it's in the way that I'm sure he notices I kiss him more fiercely when you are in the room. But most of all, it's in the way that he is always telling me to cheer up and smile and I try to but it's not enough so he will sigh and glance at you.

You

And you, you just sit there with no discernable expression on your face. I don't know if you care if I ever smile again or not. I don't know if you care about me at all or if you ever did. So what if you don't have a wife anymore, that wasn't your own initiative. For all we know you love her and you still want her. For all I know you still love and want me. But I don't know because it's not your way to tell people what you feel. It's not who you are and maybe it's something that will never change. Why does it always comes back to you?

I think I will break a heart soon, but only one because I don't have one anymore.


End file.
